Reality Bites

Random musings of reality bytes ... when reality bites.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

"The One".... that wasn't

DCVita and Ella recently both blogged about the intriguing concept of recognizing "the one".

I wish life gave us the cheat sheet to this question to make our lives/dating a whole lot easier. Where as I do not have the answer to this age old question, I have created list from my past relationships and experiences why I thought he was "the one.... that wasn't".

When my ex-fiance, Jock, and I were engaged, it was a shock to me. A euphoric shock. We have been dating for 7 months exclusively before he popped the question on my birthday. I wanted to be with him long term, possibly for life, but we have not talked about marriage or the possibility of marriage or mapping our future together. Yet, when he popped the question, I said yes. Of course, I was in love. We were both 28, it felt right... and felt we were ready.

In reality, Jock and I should have discussed earlier in our relationship what we both wanted and how we saw our future together. We talked about us being serious with each other. We talked about marriage in passing ... more like, yes I want to get married in the future. We haven't seriously talked about getting married, to each other, if we want kids, how many kids, where we would live, when we planned on getting married... you know the important life questions that help you gauge if and your partner are on the same page.

So during the first month of our engagement, Jock and I quickly discovered that our answers to those questions were not similar, nor were our timelines on the same page. It went quickly downhill and we both realized our irreconcilable differences. We broke up 3 months after the engagement. I was heartbroken and it was a very low point in my life back then. However, it was also the best thing that ever happened to me. I am now almost 3 yrs happily married to a wonderful man.

It's a mistake I did not want to make again. Before DH and I were engaged we had discussed most of the topics above so when he proposed, we were both ready for marriage- emotionally, mentally and financially.

Looking back, I should have seen the signs why MY exes or past dates were not "the one" for me:

  • Ex BF2: avoids committment
  • Ex-F: relied too much on mom for most decisions (mine was a mama's boy in a very dependent way)
  • Ex F: has a hard time coping with any change in life (good and/or bad)
  • Ex F: unrealistic view of life or your future together
  • Ex F: different expectations on marriage
  • Ex F: different views on having or raising children
  • Ex F: has a "perfect" image of me (how can this be bad? if you have tbe slightest flaw in your perfect image in anyway, he will see you as tainted and will have a hard time coping).
  • Ex BF1: co-dependent
  • Ex BF1: told me "why didn't you coddle me after we broke up?" (WTF -- we broke up!)
  • Ex BF1: emotionally fragile (see previous item)

Luckily, none of the men I've ever gone out with cheated on me or were alcoholics, addicts or abusive.

There were many more signs or deal breakers which I am not listing as it will be too long. I'm not saying people who exhibit the above traits would not make a good spouse ... they just were not what I was looking for in mine.

Question of the day: What is a dealbreaker in a relationship for you?


Blogger brookem said...

good list!
-does not have the ability to see the bright side of things
-is a downer, most all of the time
-drinks too much
-cannot handle his aggression
-lacks any type of spontaneity
-lacks empathy
-does not treat his mother well.

March 21, 2007 at 10:16 AM  
Blogger ella w. said...

I like that list. It's definitely making me think twice about my current relationship!

The biggest deal breaker for me is cheating. It happened to me in a big way 7 years ago. Maybe when I am up for it I will blog the story. I'm still recovering from it.

March 21, 2007 at 10:35 AM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Apart from the obvious (cheating, etc) how about... someone that's attached to their damn cell phone!


I don't know how many women (espcially those I've dated) can't leave their f'n phone alone when they're with their guy. That's one of the first things I noticed about the Actress. If I'm around, the phone is usually off.

March 22, 2007 at 3:57 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

This may sound cliche, but it would have to be someone who says "I love you too quickly". It's a little scary.

"Why didn't you cuddle me after we broke up"? Was he a woman trapped in a man's body?

March 22, 2007 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger Trixie said...

brookem - i agree with you on those traits especially the drinking too much and the agression mgmt. you often see how a man will treat you by the way he treats his mom so that's something worth noticing.

ella - i'm sorry to hear a man cheated on you. :( i've seen it happen to friends and it took awhile for them to trust men after that. i admire your strength and resiliency on how you're handling yourself and your relationship now. have faith.

aaron - i second that. society is tied to their phones and electronic devices nowadays. it is too much to ask to ignore the phone when you are on a date/ spending time with your mate?

angel jr -- no, not cuddle, although that would be wierd too. he meant CODDLE (to treat with extreme or excessive care or kindness). my reaction to him was just "what?". he was very fragile and one of the reasons we broke up.

March 23, 2007 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger B said...

Cheating! for me as well I do not have kathy lee syndrome and I won't be standing by my man.If you don't have another's trust what's the point.

nice blog

March 23, 2007 at 6:37 PM  
Blogger brandy said...

A man who cries- often. Don't get me wrong, I love a man who can show his feelings, yada, yada, yada... but when I'm constantly low on kleenex because you feel 'no one understands you' and the waterworks start again.. you have got to go.

March 25, 2007 at 10:37 AM  

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