"The One".... that wasn't

DCVita and Ella recently both blogged about the intriguing concept of recognizing "the one".

I wish life gave us the cheat sheet to this question to make our lives/dating a whole lot easier. Where as I do not have the answer to this age old question, I have created list from my past relationships and experiences why I thought he was "the one.... that wasn't".

When my ex-fiance, Jock, and I were engaged, it was a shock to me. A euphoric shock. We have been dating for 7 months exclusively before he popped the question on my birthday. I wanted to be with him long term, possibly for life, but we have not talked about marriage or the possibility of marriage or mapping our future together. Yet, when he popped the question, I said yes. Of course, I was in love. We were both 28, it felt right... and felt we were ready.

In reality, Jock and I should have discussed earlier in our relationship what we both wanted and how we saw our future together. We talked about us being serious with each other. We talked about marriage in passing ... more like, yes I want to get married in the future. We haven't seriously talked about getting married, to each other, if we want kids, how many kids, where we would live, when we planned on getting married... you know the important life questions that help you gauge if and your partner are on the same page.

So during the first month of our engagement, Jock and I quickly discovered that our answers to those questions were not similar, nor were our timelines on the same page. It went quickly downhill and we both realized our irreconcilable differences. We broke up 3 months after the engagement. I was heartbroken and it was a very low point in my life back then. However, it was also the best thing that ever happened to me. I am now almost 3 yrs happily married to a wonderful man.

It's a mistake I did not want to make again. Before DH and I were engaged we had discussed most of the topics above so when he proposed, we were both ready for marriage- emotionally, mentally and financially.

Looking back, I should have seen the signs why MY exes or past dates were not "the one" for me:

• Ex BF2: avoids committment
• Ex-F: relied too much on mom for most decisions (mine was a mama's boy in a very dependent way)
• Ex F: has a hard time coping with any change in life (good and/or bad)
• Ex F: unrealistic view of life or your future together
• Ex F: different expectations on marriage
• Ex F: different views on having or raising children
• Ex F: has a "perfect" image of me (how can this be bad? if you have tbe slightest flaw in your perfect image in anyway, he will see you as tainted and will have a hard time coping).
• Ex BF1: co-dependent
• Ex BF1: told me "why didn't you coddle me after we broke up?" (WTF -- we broke up!)
• Ex BF1: emotionally fragile (see previous item)

Luckily, none of the men I've ever gone out with cheated on me or were alcoholics, addicts or abusive.

There were many more signs or deal breakers which I am not listing as it will be too long. I'm not saying people who exhibit the above traits would not make a good spouse ... they just were not what I was looking for in mine.

Question of the day: What is a dealbreaker in a relationship for you?